Monday, July 16, 2012

A blop

    So as many of you who read my blog know me and my diabetes have a love hate relationship. Sometime I can rock this disease determined to have an A1c lower than eight and other times I really don't give a rip. My disease is one that scares the crap out of me, yet makes me unique and have a different take on life that others don't have. Sometimes it feel like an advantage and other times ( most of the time) it feels like an anchor holding me to the bottom of the ocean. I wonder what it is like not to have to worry about what you eat, how it will affect you, or just not have to think.
    Despite how much I dearly love my family they seem not to care or even worry anymore. It hurts a little to know I have no one at my side to fight this disease that is on going and never ending. Not having someone to talk out the problems with or help me review my blood sugars to work out the knots. If you are someone who knows and care for a diabetic even when they grow out of needing constant attention they still need someone there to help or to just talk it out.
    A few weeks ago when my siter was visiting she mentioned my stay at the hospital over the  Christmas holiday. I had severe pain in my abdomine and my mom took me to the hospital because she thought that it was DKA ( it wasn't) but that is a story for later time. Anywho she said these words that stung through me worse than that pain did,
   " Oh yeah you went into the hospital for you kidneys or something."  her vioce was one as if she was talking about the silliness of Justin Bieber or something other.
    OR SOMETHING! Are you kidding me even though that incident had nothing to do with my kidney's she didn't give a rats butt that it could have easily been life and death and right now I could have been on dialysis right now. She used to know, she used to be the one who got me juice in the middle of the night. The one who work up to me crying after having a siezure from low blood sugar. She is the one who was there when my mom began to think I had something wrong ("d" symptoms). She is the one who helped me learn how to hide my pump in my bra telling me it looked like a cellphone . She often sat with me while I cried for no reason over a low and was even there at my last doctors appiontment. Where did it go, why did she not care anymore, it broke my heart.
    My mom did a similar thing the other day and even though she might not have meant it or might not even remember it but during a quick conversation  I ask her if she though when we get our new insurance we could get a new meter ,
 " Oh I don't care about that" she said it quickly and cheaply.  Now when my blood sugar is low she lacks the compassion to wait for it to come up and for me to feel better, or when my blood sugar is high the fact that I get  tired and sick and cranky and unable to control my anger. These words are often said, "I don't care what your sugar is you will not act that way." Low or high she doesn't care anymore she used to be my pancreas my pump holder and indicated my sugars and problems . I feel alone and scared that I have been dumped out of the pot to do it all on my own.
   I know I am whining but I do feel alone. I hate that some days I go without a shot because I'm just sick of it but to my mom I am in denial  and I am killing myself. It isn't so cut and dry so much is mixed up, more than even we realize. I sad to see the support I always had slip but I am glad my mother no long worries or beats herself over it all, I always felt guilty about that. Go and hug your broken pancreas people!

   P.S. I might do something amazing soon keep in touch.

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