Monday, June 25, 2012

My Endo Appiontment

So  on Wednesday I had a doctors appointment in Atlanta. I knew my sugars hadn't exactly won the best Readings Award, but hey I wrote them all down honest to God.
   Some I had missed some were pure neglect and others were ehhhh. I was nervous and shaky worried out of my mind about what the endo would say. I love my team of really amazing doctors. They always help keep the lectures at bay and help me with my silly pointless problems. They get it and I am not all that sure why.
   First there is Dr. Baldwin, she is very nice and funny but extremely helpful and professional. When she says so I trust her. Next is Stephanie, I adore Stephanie she is smart, young and pretty and she always encourages me and never scolds my horrible sugar sheets but helps me figure out where I went wrong. Susan is my dietitian and she is amazing and incredibly knowledgeable of diabetes. At my last appointment she told me to call her aunt Susan. Pretty neat team along with some terrific nurses.  I really wanted to see Stephanie this time around but I didn't get to, I saw a new dietitian, one I had never met but had worked there for ten years.
   I wanted to discuss CGM'S (continues glucose monitors) she didn't know anything about them. I want to discuss  my licence and she completely through me under the bus and told my mom with my A1c she would not recommend it and I lost it I bursted into tears. I sobbed like I just saw my puppy get ran over by a semi-truck. I think I freaked the poor woman out because she jumped up and left the room. My mom hugged my neck while I sobbed for a few seconds and told me I made her cry too. I was pissed, pissed at the world, pissed at myself. I wanted more than anything to be independent; to be able to drive myself to school on August sixth. Why couldn't I push myself to be the best, the best at my disease and my body, do what I have to and reach that seemingly unattainable goal. People make it sound so easy like it is as simple as a shot and finger prick when in fact it is the skill of balancing out your body in so many ways you can't imagine. People often lack understanding of our invisible disease....
   " Oh you want to eat that slice of Ice cream cake? Go ahead but nothing you can do will keep your blood sugars from being through the roof in an hour." (my body)
   " You have diabetes? My grandma does to, but you don't look fat?"
   " My mom has to take medication for that too, she hates taking those pills. Do you hate taking the pills."
   " At least all you have to do is take a pill to fix it."
   " You at least have a cure, since you have insulin."
   " Oh I hate shots, I could never do it, I don't know how you do that."
I want to be someone inspirational. I want to change what people think of diabetes. I want to be able to drive. Is that to much to ask?

   Something as simple as a driving test is simply impossible to achieve because I am just not good enough. I know I am not alone with the whole teen driving thing and I do not have the only disease that keeps me from driving ( epilepsy too) but please, please let me drive.
   In the end that is it it isn't that the new dietitian said I couldn't get my liscence, she simply said she didn't recommend I get behind the wheel of the car and drive ( I technically still could go and get mine) it was the fact she pointed out that I have failed at my disease and this is one of the first of many complications that come with my disease. She encouraged me (they seem to always) to try harder at management and to try to find a solution that works. So point closing, she is not the first person at that office to make me cry, I have been trying as of late to really work on my sugar control, and I miss having a diabetes person that I can relate too. I also have a job to earn money for that car.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Diabetic in action: Kerri Morrone

I love hearing about people who do amazing thing, inspire poeple and don't let anything hold them back not even diabetes. Kerri Morrone Sparling is one of these people that I look to keep me on track with my diabetes. She is an amazing woman who has done what many peole with diabetes struggle to do healthly; have a baby. I read her blog everyday and love to see the videos she posts. Here is an insert from her intro on her blog:

Hi! I'm Kerri Morrone Sparling. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes on September 11, 1986. For much of my life, I was the only diabetic I knew.

I started Six Until Me in May of 2005 because I was tired of Googling "diabetes" and coming up with little more than a list of complications and frightening stories. Where were all the people who were living with this disease, like I have been since I was a little girl? Was I the only diabetic out there who felt alone?

But then I learned about blogs, and the power of sharing our stories online. Back when I first started blogging, I was one of four or five diabetes bloggers. Now I am a proud member of a vast diabetes community who prove every day that I'm not alone with this disease.

I am a patient blogger, freelance writer, and social media consultant. I truly love what I do for work and am so proud to be a member of the diabetes community.

But there's more to me than diabetes.

I keep an extensive collection of photos on my Flickr account, where you'll find my Diabetes365 experience, including a high volume of photos of my cats, and some of my daughter. I love my camera and bring it everywhere I go. I'm also a frequenter of Twitter and Facebook, but let's be honest - sometimes that social networking stuff can wear you down.

My husband is a clever and kind screenwriter named Chris, and we've been happily married for four years. We're husband-and-wife, but we're also friends, and that means so much to me. On April 15th, 2010, our daughter joined the Sparling family, and becoming her mom is the greatest honor I have ever known. I love being part of this family.

I am quick with a compliment, a blog post, and to drain a cup of coffee. I never mean to offend but I always mean what I say. When it comes to my friends and my family, I am as loyal as they come.

If you have something to say, email me. You can also contact me by mail at Kerri Sparling, c/o Six Until Me, 716 Centre of New England Blvd, Coventry, RI, 02816.

If you feel like wondering over to her blog here is the link. Lots of love you guys have an amazing Tuesday.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Happy Birthday Daddy! A true D-Dad

     Today is my dads birthday, he is fifty two ( don't tell him I told ya'll). My dad is a special person and he handed me several good genes. And thanks to the fact that heredity can be ruled out of by diagnosis he is not blamed at all for giving me a disease( thanks for that one dad.) My dad is a pretty amazing guy he is very laid back, cooks really good food and works really hard. He some how or another can make people feel relaxed and at ease, he knows how to fix a problem but only problems that require it. He is incredibly gifted at making me feel guily and special.
     I clearly remember my dad being there during my hospital stay. He is the one that held my hand while the nurse gave me an I.V. and he sat through class to learn how to count carbs and care for my now full time job of diabetes. My dad would have been fine to sit back and watch but he didn't, he gave me shots and learned a little math. He did give me shots even though I didn't like it, his hands would shake and squeeze my skin to hard. He went to the pump information meetings and learned how to do a pump site and read the history to check blood sugar readings and bolus amounts. And through the years my mom took on more and more then I slowly began to take over. I do all my own shots now, I do lantus on my own, and write my logs, it was even my desision to go off the pump last July. My dad occasionally helps me count carbs (he is really good at that too) and reminds me to check my blood sugar and do insulin.
     My dad is one of the quiest poeple I know but the only person that can make me smile when I don't want to. He is a source  of assurance in my crazy life knowing he will come home and somehow make me smile. He is the man of no nonsense with wisest advice. My dad doesn't get a whole lot of credit for caring for my disease but in my heart I know he does a very good job and tries to help as much as possible.
This disease is overwhelming and hard to handle. You can often feel alone and tired out; we all have a person and mine is my dad. He is the comfort without a hug and funny without the joke. I love you dad and have many more happy years. You Rock!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Bring it on: Taking on your diabetes care

     This was a point in my life that at the moment I am just figuring out. I have always had my parents full support even though sometime without understanding of living with diabetes. My mom carried my checker bag extra syringes and did my pump site well till I was fourteen because I couldn't make myself do it. I've always tried to be independent with my care and learned as much as I could about my disease as possible. But I never really wanted to do it alone. I always have been scared of not having someone to lean on and to help me figure it out. Of course we all must grow up at sometime and I guess for some it is earlier and others it is later. I figure mine is later; recently I have come out of a very long burn out. he hardest thing for me was dealing with my family, but mostly my parents. My siblings didn't really care but my parents have really pushed me to be independent with my diabetes since day one. They still counted my carbs, thy would draw up my insulin, keep up with supplies, inject insulin when I didn't want to, and talked to the doctor and they decide my care and treatments.
    Of course I was fine with this because I really could care less. My A1c has slowly risen farther up since I was diagnosed and of all things in the world I hate the feeling of being out of control. I like knowing I have some control over the big things. I was tired of having to do it and doing it right just because I had to. I hated it I just wanted it to go away (I still do). So I have slowly come up with ways to over come my burn out and take on control for myself; not my doctors or my parents.
  1. Set a goal. Yea yea, you know this one but coming from a person who has struggled with burn out for close to two years I have to say this one was the hardest for me. I wanted a realistic goal, I wanted a goal I really wanted, I wanted a goal I could absolutely reach. I thought about my dreams and goals and how my diabetes would effect me. I found one that in my heart of hearts hurts for me to think about. Someday after collage. career, dream man I want to have a baby. And to be honest I have always wanted a house full, but if all I can take is just one I want it. I want to be a mom one day and forget bucket list this is beyond a dream it is something I have wanted since I was a little girl. I want to celebrate mothers day with cards made by hand I want to go broke buying them Christmas gift. This something many women find that they can't have and I hate that at the age of 17 I have to think about but that is part of  a WWD (Women with diabetes) issue. I want to be a mom and of all my dreams this is the one that my diabetes will affect the most.
  2. Find Inspiration. This one applies to overcoming burn out and being in charge of your diabetes. I love to read blogs about other diabetics read books on caring for my diabetes. This is the big part of burn out is learning other ways to care for yourself maybe it is a new kind of exercise or a positive word from some one who has gone through it already. My favorite blog is Kerri Morrone Six until Me. It really keeps my head in the game and lets me relate to other and I also enjoy reading about her very successful pregnancy of a gorgeous little girl. She also does a lot of stuff like traveling that I hate doing with my "D". Go and find something but for me reading about what could happen (as in the bad stuff) doesn't help me at all.
  3. Talk it out. I do this but I do it in my head. All the things I wanted to say to people would probably just make them hate me. But I do talk about it in my head and I often find what it is that is holding me back. I know I might sound crazy but I never talk back to myself so I must be okay. Talking to my parents about the issues never helped and I could never get my point across so I would write down my problem and think it through. 
  4. Try your best. Even if you don't feel like it ( A.K.A burn-out) for one day try to do your very best at controlling your blood sugars and insulin injections on your own. Do it and if it isn't that great try it again the next day. If you forget to check at one meal then try again at the next. It is a step by step thing getting back on track, it can't all happen at once.
  5. Remember. Your goal is to be healthy and to live long and happy. Maybe your A1c is going to be high so go ahead and decide how you will handle it; with tears or willingness to discuss with your endo about how you have a new mind set. Remember they want to help you but they can't tell that you have changed your mindset by look at you current A1c of 9.1 if you tell them your new plan and actions you have already started on they will most likely be positive with especially  when your next A1c is 6.3!
This takes something for everyone, rather it takes a scare or a sudden awakening but for me it took the reliation that I don't want my parents to have to hover over me forever always wondering if I'm dead from a hypo comma or ketonic over a constant 500 and no lantus I forgot for four days in a row. Nobody wants to have the burden of everyone worrying about them; it is  very hard to think you are the reason your mother has ulcers or you dad can't sleep at night because he thinks you might not wake up in the morning.

You are in charge of you. In the end it is up to you you decide how your diabetes is going to effect you.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Summer schelules and High Blood sugars

      I honestly love summer. I love the feeling of the heat wrapping around your body even though your insides feel nice and cool. I love to swim, I swim till I'm low and then don't check enough, eat to much and go high and figure the physical activity will bring it down (wrong by the way!) I like the beach, drives to the mountians, sunday shopping trips, and coffee with friends that school nearly removes from my schedule. And now I work so I sit at a desk for nine hours a day removing my freedom of exercise from my daily life because it wipes me out to be lazy.
     Today though I have definately had a rollercoaster day. In terms of blood sugar readings I mean; I woke up with a 61 m/dL and ate myself some club crackers my mom broughT to me while I frantically ran around the house looking for my ipod. My mom kept telling me not to get up and that she would bring me something to eat. Every word she said to me made me mad, I really wanted to sleep a few extra minutes then she left to get ready for work and as soon as she left I zonked out and fell back asleep for another eight minutes. That would be my individual symptom because I have never heard anyone tell me that as a symptom: that high or low, when my sugar begins to adjust I get very tired like I cannot keep my eyes open tired. So when I woke up I pulled on a dress and shoes. pulled my hair out of the bun I slept in and ran my fingers through and put on make up. That really only took me fifteen minutes (I love that) but then I felt a sweep of hunger, like I will eat your pet dog zombie hunger. I grabbed a handfull of cheez-its and the jello cup, which has no carbs even though that was what I was on the hunt for. The jumbo peanut butter jar stared at my face screaming at me; EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I grabbed a spoon and ate it till I felt my throat begginning to stick  from the gunky gobs of yumminess. After that I felt suddenly better, almost a calm sense over came me and I knew I wouldn't be going into a comma today or at least a low comma.
     So I fixed me a to go cup of cream with a little coffee and packed my bookbag grabbed my summer reading, purse, extra syringes, checker bag and left for work. I felt great and carried on my marry way till my religous 10:30 2 hrs after breakfast sugar. Even though breakfast was 2 hrs earlier today than usual. And to my shock My blood sugar read a shiny bright 495 at my face  laughing  saying YOU ATE IT ALL! YOU ATE IT ALL! Inside my stomach sank, I did it again I failed. I've put my body one more high closer to kidney failure. You didn't think, you didn't correct for over correcting, you messed up and now you are going to pay with a bout of naseua, head aches, and sleepiness. Your mother is going to see this and yell and get mad and ask you " why didn't you JUST eat 15 carbs, thats all you need, self control Sarah!"
And to be honest it hurts when my mom tells me that. She doesn't understand what it is like to be in a state of confusion, fear, cottonhead, crying without a true meaningful cause.
      That is one thing that truely kills me about this disease the lack of understanding from my mother and occasionally my dad.I checked it again 30 mins after 11 u. of insulin and down to 365. wheew thats a relief but i predict a bottoming low around 50 by 12:30. I can still see her face; how it will look when she reads the numbers but maybe it will bottom out and stick there all day so she will see I tried and didn't let it stick there or let it continue to go up, but stuck with my lows for the sake of my A1c.
     So 30 minutes later I check again 269 heeeelllllooooooooo! that was a drop this is unusual for me my sugars love the 300's. I'm douncing water to get rid of any ketones if I have any, since I don't carry those darn things with me ever. My new schedule I devised yesterday says  I will eat at 12:30 and check at 12:30 and take insulin at 12:30 that is my predicted time for that super low.I would really prefer my day to me an inflatable slide. You know starts at the ground (61) then you go straight up (495) and come down ( 365, 269,) and continues to go down and stays at a perfect 130 mg/dL. That would be better than a roller coaster.
     So again at 12:06 i checked again 244 " dang"  only 25 in the past thirty minutes when I was push down hundreds for the past two hours. maybe it is my body leveling out well thats good as long as there are no more peeking I'm good but now I'm hungry but that will wait another thirty maybe it can come down another hundred in thirty minutes. At 12:25 I check again to make sure that it continue to drop steadily; 204. About to jump out of seat but decide not to. I would really like to go and jog but I don't think that will happen here at the office. So I throw my carefully devised schedule out the window and decide to push everything up thirty minutes today (my lucky number) and eat lunch when my sugar is below 150 mg/dL but I prefer a 120 mg/dL. With every bout of hunger I sip more water somehow that is supposed to help. I've never really tried maybe it will replace all the glucose in my cells with H2O causing me to be nice and steady for the rest of the day. Huh. My tummie rumbles but I can go without food, I want to feel good in one hour not sick all day, GET A GRIP! My chart on sugar stats show my hard work and I will predict my next one to be 130! I hope.
     Lunch rolls around about 12:50 and with hope and prayer and insulin on my side i do the dreaded  check. I go to the bathroom first and wash my hands and do i scrub 'em. I slide the dinosaur huge test strip into my meter and pick the cleanest finger avalable to prick (left pinky) I squeeze up a water and almost clear blood sample. It qickly runs down my finger but I chase it back with the meter like a bulldozer chasing a car. I wait the long five seconds when a number that is also my goal wieght shines brightly at me smiling, no longer taunting me but saying Good job Sarah you did it you didn't fail you succeeded. It felt as though it might but it didn't now eat your lunch and enjoy it but first bolus.
    Sometimes that all we need to hear. A quiet praise,  no party but maybe a word to confirm that yea you felt like crap, you checked seven extra times, religeously washed your hands and didn't eat anything for seven hours and focused on you and your health. You did it for this day and this day alone you were the superhero you won the fight and became that much better at you. Why can't people understand how huge this is for me, notice that I did it on my own and I had the same rush of going down a inflatable slide you get as a child bounccing down the big hill of fun. I deserve to where a cape today that is hot pink and says superhero on the back and everyone asks "what makes you a superhero?" and I would say "Today I won the fight of diabetes today, what did you do?"
     The moral of this story is when life give you a high blood sugar take insulin and watch it come down and celebrate and make sure you let people know you did it! You won! You are amazing! And you are a superhero!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I'm a Cheater!!!

    Guess what I am a cheater. But it is really okay with me you can tell everyone you want to. And guess what else you are too. Well, you are if you have diabetes. In the past decade we have cheated what people since aroud 1557 BC and probably before have never benn able to overcome or live through.
Have you ever coonsidered how lucky you are to have what we have ,a disease that doesn't have to kill us but in fact make us better representatives of human life.   By that I mean how precious it is to be a healthy person even if we struggle every day with what you want to do and what you need to do. Some people have chioces and others don't this involves all kinds of people not just with those with diabetes but those with cancer, celiac, heart disease just to name a very few.
   If you think about it less than a hundred years ago people would die from the very disease that has taken our country by storm one that gave children a few days to live and adults a few months. We have over come so much in a short period of time; we can binge on ice cream at coldstones, we can simply wake up in the mornings test our blood sugars and know that we are still here.  If you go into a comma  there is advanced medical treatments to bring us out of it so we can continue to be part of the lives of those we so dearly cherish. Nevermind the fact that some of us will not be able to have a child, some will have kidney failure, and some will have complications despite how hard we try  to control our disease. We have overcome a disease that even though it is not cured we have the will to ensure it is during our life time and the ability to live a long life.

Monday, June 4, 2012

My A1c problem

   Okay confession time! For the past severaly years my A1c has slowly crept up to the 13.0's. I know I could even hear you gasps through cyberspace. But really I feel so burnt out right know and even though it is my upmost desire to be in full control but something holds me back something keeps me from it.
   It like in my head I feel like a person who has it down but everyone else sees the rebeelion I really don't have. I want control I want healthy, I want fear of infertility, kidney failure, heart damage, and death to go away but I feel lost.
   Do you ever feel burned out?