Looking Back: Overcoming, starting over. (1\24\14)

 This is a look back to a post I wrote January of this year. I know its been over a year since I have posted anything but here is to those occasional really good things I wrote and I look back and reflect and can continue to move forward.

Let me get real with you, diabetes has affected my relationship with food in a negative way. I read the Butter Compartments blog this week and I cried. I related to it in such a way that my normal biased view and ability to stand at a distance went out the door and it sucked me in and stirred the reality that I was truly in denial of; I had to do something  and despite my ability to do “good” I fail and my humanness to control my diabetes is inevitably killing me. Because not only do I purge my food but I avoid checking my sugar to see the after effects because of the hurting reminder that I am a failure.

Once again I am alone in my apartment and there is no one here to tell me what to eat or not to eat, monitor if I even ate yesterday or ask why I have only eaten yogurt or see me go for my third snack this afternoon. There is so much guilt associated with starving yourself, binging and purging and just avoiding taking care of yourself.

Diabetes alone bring so much guilt, shame, and a constant need to micromanage, food is constantly on my mind,

 “when am I going to eat next, should I reduce my basal for that, what am I going eat, should I pre-bolus now or wait a while or will I even eat it all so I might over bolus and the I‘ll end up low and I hate more that anything to be low.”

Then after all this thinking I still forget to check my sugar, I forget because I get rapped up in the food experience, the smells, taste, euphoria that nothing enters my mind, its is my drug. It’s not like a normal drug either because you can’t simply not eat because I’ve done that in the past.

And please don’t mention the fact that I should stop eating that I’ve had enough because I’ll only eat more to prove I CAN eat more. Or point out that I need to eat because I will continue to not do so to prove to you (or maybe myself) that I am fine. But I’m not fine, I am a broken eating machine, I am human and I have struggles.

The point of this blog isn’t to prove to anyone or show anyone that I have the perfect a1c or that I always do the best things concerning my healthy, or how much I love exercising (because I don’t, being healthy is the hardest thing ever) this is the raw imperfect me and sharing my struggles is what helps me fix them.  If you take my advice don’t do what I do.

My wish is that I don’t die as a bad example of diabetics I always hate to hear about them, you know, the ones who died from diabetes, I feel sorry for them most of all it doesn’t really help me. What does help me is the verse above, in my flesh I am a weak person unable to do the things I must do, instead I trust God and what he says about me, that He is a God of second chances and I am his daughter

Diabetes Blog Week - Accomplishments Big and Small

We don’t always realize it, but each one of us had come a long way since diabetes first came into our life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years, you’ve done something outstanding diabetes-wise. So today let’s share the greatest accomplishment you've made in terms of dealing with your (or your loved one’s) diabetes. No accomplishment is too big or too small - think about self-acceptance, something you’ve mastered (pump / exercise / diet / etc.), making a tough care decision (finding a new endo or support group / choosing to use or not use a technology / etc.).

I find  it hard to do anything great or good with my diabetes, I struggle a lot, I live in a lot of fear of lows and highs and complications. I don't ever feel like I actually accomplish anything diabetes-wise in my life. This topic made me sit back and think what was important and what have I done for myself lately.
     I couldn't think of one thing, every time I begin to write my blood sugars down consistently, I eventually give up. I have a hard time being consistent with my diabetes and wish more than anything I was motivated to do so.
 I did however think of one big step for me that I took a little less than nine years ago. I gave myself my first shot. Probably in my arm as that was my favorite spot before I started a pump. I had only had diabetes a few days but new it was necessary. The nurse were so impressed that they gave me a pack of Uno cards which me and my parents thoroughly enjoyed during my short three day stay. I forget the drama that I could have died if my mom hadn't thought of taking me to the doctor, or how much drama it was to adjust to out knew life style but we did and today I can't believe how far I have come from that tiny little girl to me, now.
      People always told me I was tough for taking those needles and now that I look back I can see how they thought it.  I know this disease can't hold me back and I think that mind set is a pretty BIG accomplishment for any diabetic.

Diabetes Blog Week - Memories

Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share.

I have shared with you guys my story of breakage on my "about" page and that is a really bad experience, I live in constant fear of that happening again. I have a lot of diabetes memories, I remember getting my first pump in the mail, I remember the injector for my pump sites that would break the needle under my skin, I remember my diagnosis, my first Endo appointment I remember giving myself my first shot, I remember my seizure, I remember DKA both times. I remember lows that my meter couldn't read, and high enough to make me vomit. I remember starting this blog and I will always remember the joy it brings me and getting to participate in the DOC.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
    I was not crying but that is not what my sister says and I'm guessing that since she was the one with full brain function she is right.
      Amanda! Amanda! I did this every time I was low in the middle of the night and needed some juice or tablets. She would roll out of bed and grouchy as possible go and get me some juice which I happily guzzled and then we both went back to sleep and all was good. But she says I didn't call out her name, that I was crying.
      She came over to my bed and I told her I was low and then it happened, " Sarah quit it yours scaring me."
      " I'm low I need juice."
        " Sarah I am serious I will go and get mom if you don't quit it."
        "What are you talking about."
In case you haven't figured it out I was talking gibberish and there was no understandable words coming out of my mouth. Amanda ran upstairs to get my mom who I heard rushing down stairs.
        " Sarah whats wrong?" said my mom really concerned
         " Santa, Homework, ice cream." Even though in the five minute I had been up My dialect changed from non word to actual words but  I still couldn't form words I had in my head and spoke like this. My mom told me she was going to check my blood sugar, a pretty 90 read on my meter, but we decided to go to the emergency room anyways. My mom dressed me and then herself and while my mom was in the bathroom I  saw my pink ballet/ yoga pants laying on the table and tried to put them on, over my shoes and jeans. My mom came in and started to cry.
       Me my mom and sister road to the hospital nearest to our home in hopes to get an ambulance from there to  Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. When we got there they rushed us back and the ER doctor started asking question. Sarah can you tell me what day it is? July 19 1967 Sarah can you tell me her name as he pointed to Amanda. I opened my mouth but literally could not say my sisters name. When is your moms birthday, I knew it was April 11 but I could not say April, all I knew to say was that it was before mine. How many days till Christmas? I just shook my head I didn't know that Christmas was in a few days. They did and MRI scan and the nurses that I remember being really nice and talkative helped me walk from the wheel chair to the table and I promptly threw up.
       As they loaded me into the ambulance I remember it being cold and the door was open. the poor guy was trying to put in an IV in my arm and it HURT! Oh and the tape the put on it like that thing was going to be trying to push itself out of my arm. And then I fell asleep wake up occasionally  to see  bits and pieces but I don't really remember a whole lot till we got to the hospital.
      I got a new IV and was given plenty of medication and a recommendation to a neurologist. By the time we got to the hospital my speach was all the way back and the IV only brought me great pain.

We still don't know for sure if it was a low induced seizure  or a granny seizure as they called it. But I do know it was scary and those moment where I was completely helpless and I remember thinking one way and apparently I did the complete opposite. I have never had one again and hope to not to.
     Our memories are the things we always carry with us and shape our lives. When it is a memory with our diabetes we take something from that to help better our care. They are always an advantage even though they might scare the crap out of you at the time.

Daibetes Blog Week- Share and Don't Share Day 1

Guess what??? I am participating in Diabetes Blog week this year and I am super excited to let you peek into my blog and help me raise awareness. Here is the link to the whole list here.
 Topic: Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one's daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don't see?

 

6 am First check of the day. 41. Shaky, dizzy, light headed, raspberry glucose tablets.

7am Shower, don’t forget to hook up pump, then breakfast, check blood sugar, 201. Bolus, correct.

8am Check again 101 its safe to drive

9am Check again two hours after breakfast blood sugar 399 hmmmm

11am Lunch: check blood sugar 169 WHAT! I really aim for a 120 before blood sugar

12 pm do insulin bolus for lunch, ouch that burns

2 am Did I do insulin?

3 pm am I hungry or am I low? Check 57 yep over corrected for that slight high

4 pm Check again before you drive 124 we’re okay

5pm snack: deli meat today no carbs for me

7pm Dinner check 306 I think meat now has carbs avoid scolding from mother dad and dog.

9pm Night time shot and insulin 588 HOLY CRAP I forgot about dinner insulin now I’m sick and I have ketones, guzzle a bottle of water go to bed

12 am wake up I need to pee

2am wake up I need to pee and I am soooo thirsty

3 am wake up go pee now is time to check blood sugar 290 wow I should have checked my ketones I need new insulin

4 am change out insulin in pump lay down and try to sleep a little more.

6 am Check blood sugar 37. Why do I always fail?

To those who see the outside this is just a glimpse into living with my diabetes. It is a very consuming thing I try really hard at  and even though my efforts sometimes fail I have to do it again the next day. I will get no breaks and I have fully accepted all the responsibility that comes with it it just sometimes it wears you out .

Living with diabetes is a battle but one I will win. Insulin is not a cure and it will never go away. I did not get it from eating to much sugar or KFC I can eat what ever I want just with moderation and with the insulin to balance it out. No special diet or pill can cure me and I can have children. This is Type 1 diabetes.

Diabetes and a Diet- Day 1

"I am not going for skinny I am going for fit."

       This is what I  promised myself when I decided to go on a diet, not to totally deprive myself and aim for a super thin self, but a healthy self something I have struggled with all through high school and here I am at the end doing something for my self at last. 
      Diets get a lot of stigma and even I hate to hear about women who go on diets when they don't need to. I am much like many modern women today in that I want the trim, defined and toned body and get my cake and pizza too.  How wonderful it would be to eat what I want, not exercise, and take a magic pill which magically helps the weight fall off, without any effort. As a society I think people have become so lazy that they aren't willing to do the hard stuff to get what we want, we want quick, easy, and no sweat or tears. I myself had fallen into that trap as well but new that I needed to change my habits in order to get the fit body I really wanted. (stepping down from soap box)
      I am determined to get in good enough shape to be able to easily do a 7 mile hike around a popular lake near my hometown, kayak for couple hours straight, and do a color run in October. Those are a few goals I have but mostly I don't want any flub when I buy that bikini to wear this summer.
     I do have a goal weight for myself which will include me losing 21 lbs. I feel like that is such a big goal to reach for but I will go for losing 2-4 lb a week. So if I am consistent  with these numbers I should be around  my goal weight in five to six weeks.
    Determined I am, to get to a confident body and fit back into those skinny jeans and that sweet navy dress, both of which are  teensy bit too tight. I also have grabbed my sister, mother, and best friend along for the ride.
    Do you as a diabetic struggle with weight loss or have any tips for being successful I want to hear them.

Happy Birthday To ME!

     Today I am eighteen.  Wow, looking back I can see so may things I would change and things I wouldn't change for the world.
      I look back a my highs and lows (not referring to BG's) wondering if my diabetes did have anything to do with it and the truth is 80% of the time it was. Coming up in July I will also be celebrating my 9th diaversary... I don't know what to say about that, that I have had diabetes for half of my life and it honestly hasn't been that long, that I know more about this disease than anything, that is has managed to fill every neuron in my brain and it is never going to change. In another nine years on my twenty seventh birthday how different things will be, what will have changed, will there be bionic pancreases around with the little need of carb counting, figuring, worrying; it makes you think.  But really, nine years really isn't that long from the time of diagnosis to now it seems so short I still feel like that lanky skinny girl sitting in the waiting room of my doctors office minutes away from a life changing statement:
                                      " Your daughter has type 1 diabetes "
       To that person that spent three days in the hospital learning to give shots and receive them, to count my carbs and every time I stare at a piece of pecan pie,  the small boxes filled with sugar to represent the amount inside certain foods returns to my mind, to learn how to check my blood sugar, how to check my ketones, and never eat more than 15 carbs at snack and 60 per meal.It was hard, I remember not truly comprehending that this would be my forever, the forever of my life.
        Here I am one year from ten years with this disease and still no cure, ( you know because every diabetic has heard it) don't get me wrong they are close like super close I estimate twenty years or so close maybe less if we're  lucky  but it could still be forever for me.
      A complication can strike at any moment and then I won't have that ten more years that they've been promising it'll be be more like; sorry that sucks for you it doesn't matter if there is a cure tomorrow you body is a train wreck inside and no matter how many legs we take off, kidney's we transplant your out of the draw. Going to the doctor every three months, checking your blood sugar four plus times a day, injection after injection, tear after tear its OVER! I'm exausted.
       As a diabetic I frequently sit and think how differently my life would be without diabetes what it's like to not have this HUGE burden. I understand and do not expect other to understand why a cure is so important. I didn't inflict this on my self, I have it a whether or not I want to or if I choose it ther eis no other option but to do by best. I hate being dramatic, in in fact it drives me crazy when people do but when I say "with out insulin I will die" I am drop dead serious. I hate to think of anyone carrying around the burden of being in charge of your own survival or someone else. That one wrong choice like cupcake and no insulin again will kill me, I could end up in an ICU unit for days, people don't know that. People I know that think they understand, they don't know what it is like to be rushed to a hospital because your in DKA or  how hard it is to sit next to someone and hold them while they over come a bad low or have to go through it alone. But still it ain't all bad.Right....
      Never getting another bag of Halloween candy, and anything than what other people got in there treat bags at parties, missing out on sleep overs and going so low I forget what happened at my own birthday parties or that I had eaten, and waking up unable to talk and going to the ER for DKA two times.
      It hasn't scarred me and I'm sure in the next nine years so much more will change I will experience new thing become a whole new person and diabetes is just part of that. It didn't mess me up not having all that sugar anyways.
        I am not angry at diabetes it did not take away my childhood nor destroy any hope of a happy future I have. I live in denial that I will ever get a complication and know someday I will have at least one healthy little human, its possible and I know I could not be the person I am today without  diabetes, I think it has made me a better person, yup I said it diabetes made me awesome! Now I plan to enjoy cheesecake tonight with my family and hanging out with friends all week to celebrate my adulthood. yay!
       

Video post, follow me...

I have a You Tube account and I did my first video ever and I am really psyched about it. I know I look a little scary and I did not smile all that much. In fact at the  point where I inserted my site I said "How do I take it out!" haha . You can't hear me on the video but for that second it totally left my mind. Enjoy........

I hope you liked it. If anybody has anymore ideas of videos that I could do, that could be beneficial to anyone especially those with diabetes. Me and mom are working on an interesting and funny one. I would really like some input and don't forget to like it, or comment or heck I don't really  care I'm just super excited about it.