Monday, June 30, 2014

Looking Back: Overcoming, starting over. (1\24\14)

 This is a look back to a post I wrote January of this year. I know its been over a year since I have posted anything but here is to those occasional really good things I wrote and I look back and reflect and can continue to move forward.

Let me get real with you, diabetes has affected my relationship with food in a negative way. I read the Butter Compartments blog this week and I cried. I related to it in such a way that my normal biased view and ability to stand at a distance went out the door and it sucked me in and stirred the reality that I was truly in denial of; I had to do something  and despite my ability to do “good” I fail and my humanness to control my diabetes is inevitably killing me. Because not only do I purge my food but I avoid checking my sugar to see the after effects because of the hurting reminder that I am a failure.
Once again I am alone in my apartment and there is no one here to tell me what to eat or not to eat, monitor if I even ate yesterday or ask why I have only eaten yogurt or see me go for my third snack this afternoon. There is so much guilt associated with starving yourself, binging and purging and just avoiding taking care of yourself.
Diabetes alone bring so much guilt, shame, and a constant need to micromanage, food is constantly on my mind,
 “when am I going to eat next, should I reduce my basal for that, what am I going eat, should I pre-bolus now or wait a while or will I even eat it all so I might over bolus and the I‘ll end up low and I hate more that anything to be low.”
Then after all this thinking I still forget to check my sugar, I forget because I get rapped up in the food experience, the smells, taste, euphoria that nothing enters my mind, its is my drug. It’s not like a normal drug either because you can’t simply not eat because I’ve done that in the past.
And please don’t mention the fact that I should stop eating that I’ve had enough because I’ll only eat more to prove I CAN eat more. Or point out that I need to eat because I will continue to not do so to prove to you (or maybe myself) that I am fine. But I’m not fine, I am a broken eating machine, I am human and I have struggles.
The point of this blog isn’t to prove to anyone or show anyone that I have the perfect a1c or that I always do the best things concerning my healthy, or how much I love exercising (because I don’t, being healthy is the hardest thing ever) this is the raw imperfect me and sharing my struggles is what helps me fix them.  If you take my advice don’t do what I do.
My wish is that I don’t die as a bad example of diabetics I always hate to hear about them, you know, the ones who died from diabetes, I feel sorry for them most of all it doesn’t really help me. What does help me is the verse above, in my flesh I am a weak person unable to do the things I must do, instead I trust God and what he says about me, that He is a God of second chances and I am his daughter