Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Happy Birthday To ME!

     Today I am eighteen.  Wow, looking back I can see so may things I would change and things I wouldn't change for the world.
      I look back a my highs and lows (not referring to BG's) wondering if my diabetes did have anything to do with it and the truth is 80% of the time it was. Coming up in July I will also be celebrating my 9th diaversary... I don't know what to say about that, that I have had diabetes for half of my life and it honestly hasn't been that long, that I know more about this disease than anything, that is has managed to fill every neuron in my brain and it is never going to change. In another nine years on my twenty seventh birthday how different things will be, what will have changed, will there be bionic pancreases around with the little need of carb counting, figuring, worrying; it makes you think.  But really, nine years really isn't that long from the time of diagnosis to now it seems so short I still feel like that lanky skinny girl sitting in the waiting room of my doctors office minutes away from a life changing statement:
                                      " Your daughter has type 1 diabetes "
       To that person that spent three days in the hospital learning to give shots and receive them, to count my carbs and every time I stare at a piece of pecan pie,  the small boxes filled with sugar to represent the amount inside certain foods returns to my mind, to learn how to check my blood sugar, how to check my ketones, and never eat more than 15 carbs at snack and 60 per meal.It was hard, I remember not truly comprehending that this would be my forever, the forever of my life.
        Here I am one year from ten years with this disease and still no cure, ( you know because every diabetic has heard it) don't get me wrong they are close like super close I estimate twenty years or so close maybe less if we're  lucky  but it could still be forever for me.
      A complication can strike at any moment and then I won't have that ten more years that they've been promising it'll be be more like; sorry that sucks for you it doesn't matter if there is a cure tomorrow you body is a train wreck inside and no matter how many legs we take off, kidney's we transplant your out of the draw. Going to the doctor every three months, checking your blood sugar four plus times a day, injection after injection, tear after tear its OVER! I'm exausted.
       As a diabetic I frequently sit and think how differently my life would be without diabetes what it's like to not have this HUGE burden. I understand and do not expect other to understand why a cure is so important. I didn't inflict this on my self, I have it a whether or not I want to or if I choose it ther eis no other option but to do by best. I hate being dramatic, in in fact it drives me crazy when people do but when I say "with out insulin I will die" I am drop dead serious. I hate to think of anyone carrying around the burden of being in charge of your own survival or someone else. That one wrong choice like cupcake and no insulin again will kill me, I could end up in an ICU unit for days, people don't know that. People I know that think they understand, they don't know what it is like to be rushed to a hospital because your in DKA or  how hard it is to sit next to someone and hold them while they over come a bad low or have to go through it alone. But still it ain't all bad.Right....
      Never getting another bag of Halloween candy, and anything than what other people got in there treat bags at parties, missing out on sleep overs and going so low I forget what happened at my own birthday parties or that I had eaten, and waking up unable to talk and going to the ER for DKA two times.
      It hasn't scarred me and I'm sure in the next nine years so much more will change I will experience new thing become a whole new person and diabetes is just part of that. It didn't mess me up not having all that sugar anyways.
        I am not angry at diabetes it did not take away my childhood nor destroy any hope of a happy future I have. I live in denial that I will ever get a complication and know someday I will have at least one healthy little human, its possible and I know I could not be the person I am today without  diabetes, I think it has made me a better person, yup I said it diabetes made me awesome! Now I plan to enjoy cheesecake tonight with my family and hanging out with friends all week to celebrate my adulthood. yay!

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