Driving... Low!

Driving with diabetes is a BIG deal. In Georgia it counts as a DUI if you wreck you car due to low blood sugar, WHAT!!!!  Yeah and I won't argue about it, it is my responsibility to make sure my blood sugar is in range and no one else can worry about it. It would be my fault if I wrecked my car or even worse hurt someone else.
 Anywho today was probably one of the first experiences I have had with low blood sugar and diabetes:
    At about 2 o'clock I checked my sugar feeling the symptoms of low blood sugar, mostly lightheaded and fog brain and hungry, blood sugar reading was 100 perfect and dropping. Of course it nearing the end of my school day I had zip food and no quick glucose to give me a safely net till I got home at 3:45. No food. I hate being without food maybe it is effects of living half my life with diabetes or maybe I am just a foodie. So since I was okay i decided to just wait till I got to my car and quick stick it up. Lo and behold no quik stiks and one little juice box which only seems to keep my blood sugar at the same low level for hours.

College prep for diabetics

 I love amazon! I always go there when I find a book I want and buy it used if I can for around a dollar. I got some books recently and they are think like a Pancreas by Gary Scheiner and College Rules by Sherrie Nist-Olejnik and Jodi Holschuh. I have really loved both books both of which I have heard from other people, and today when I finally got my Coolege Rules I was looking at the and realized this is college prep for a diabetic.



This of course doesn't even count the countless study hours for SAT and spending my entire life in school and doctors offices to get here but here I am. I don't know if I'm ready to go completely off the launch pad but I don't think I really get a choice at this point.  So while I was reading all it takes to be my own pancreas minus the actual working part I began to feel like this picture to my right.

 

And then I got to the part about adjusting to the Real World and I began to wonder if I had at all. Just kidding I think I have adjusted pretty well to society, not to their rules but my own about diabetes, independence, whats right and wrong which is all up for debate. But I don't know about this new real world I will soon be embarking on maybe it will require a whole new adjustment.



But I get so flippin' excited to read hear and just anticipate college.







P.S. I highly recommend both of these books they rock!

A blop

    So as many of you who read my blog know me and my diabetes have a love hate relationship. Sometime I can rock this disease determined to have an A1c lower than eight and other times I really don't give a rip. My disease is one that scares the crap out of me, yet makes me unique and have a different take on life that others don't have. Sometimes it feel like an advantage and other times ( most of the time) it feels like an anchor holding me to the bottom of the ocean. I wonder what it is like not to have to worry about what you eat, how it will affect you, or just not have to think.
    Despite how much I dearly love my family they seem not to care or even worry anymore. It hurts a little to know I have no one at my side to fight this disease that is on going and never ending. Not having someone to talk out the problems with or help me review my blood sugars to work out the knots. If you are someone who knows and care for a diabetic even when they grow out of needing constant attention they still need someone there to help or to just talk it out.
    A few weeks ago when my siter was visiting she mentioned my stay at the hospital over the  Christmas holiday. I had severe pain in my abdomine and my mom took me to the hospital because she thought that it was DKA ( it wasn't) but that is a story for later time. Anywho she said these words that stung through me worse than that pain did,
   " Oh yeah you went into the hospital for you kidneys or something."  her vioce was one as if she was talking about the silliness of Justin Bieber or something other.
    OR SOMETHING! Are you kidding me even though that incident had nothing to do with my kidney's she didn't give a rats butt that it could have easily been life and death and right now I could have been on dialysis right now. She used to know, she used to be the one who got me juice in the middle of the night. The one who work up to me crying after having a siezure from low blood sugar. She is the one who was there when my mom began to think I had something wrong ("d" symptoms). She is the one who helped me learn how to hide my pump in my bra telling me it looked like a cellphone . She often sat with me while I cried for no reason over a low and was even there at my last doctors appiontment. Where did it go, why did she not care anymore, it broke my heart.
    My mom did a similar thing the other day and even though she might not have meant it or might not even remember it but during a quick conversation  I ask her if she though when we get our new insurance we could get a new meter ,
 " Oh I don't care about that" she said it quickly and cheaply.  Now when my blood sugar is low she lacks the compassion to wait for it to come up and for me to feel better, or when my blood sugar is high the fact that I get  tired and sick and cranky and unable to control my anger. These words are often said, "I don't care what your sugar is you will not act that way." Low or high she doesn't care anymore she used to be my pancreas my pump holder and indicated my sugars and problems . I feel alone and scared that I have been dumped out of the pot to do it all on my own.
   I know I am whining but I do feel alone. I hate that some days I go without a shot because I'm just sick of it but to my mom I am in denial  and I am killing myself. It isn't so cut and dry so much is mixed up, more than even we realize. I sad to see the support I always had slip but I am glad my mother no long worries or beats herself over it all, I always felt guilty about that. Go and hug your broken pancreas people!

   P.S. I might do something amazing soon keep in touch.

Bring it on: Taking on your diabetes care

     This was a point in my life that at the moment I am just figuring out. I have always had my parents full support even though sometime without understanding of living with diabetes. My mom carried my checker bag extra syringes and did my pump site well till I was fourteen because I couldn't make myself do it. I've always tried to be independent with my care and learned as much as I could about my disease as possible. But I never really wanted to do it alone. I always have been scared of not having someone to lean on and to help me figure it out. Of course we all must grow up at sometime and I guess for some it is earlier and others it is later. I figure mine is later; recently I have come out of a very long burn out. he hardest thing for me was dealing with my family, but mostly my parents. My siblings didn't really care but my parents have really pushed me to be independent with my diabetes since day one. They still counted my carbs, thy would draw up my insulin, keep up with supplies, inject insulin when I didn't want to, and talked to the doctor and they decide my care and treatments.
    Of course I was fine with this because I really could care less. My A1c has slowly risen farther up since I was diagnosed and of all things in the world I hate the feeling of being out of control. I like knowing I have some control over the big things. I was tired of having to do it and doing it right just because I had to. I hated it I just wanted it to go away (I still do). So I have slowly come up with ways to over come my burn out and take on control for myself; not my doctors or my parents.

1. Set a goal. Yea yea, you know this one but coming from a person who has struggled with burn out for close to two years I have to say this one was the hardest for me. I wanted a realistic goal, I wanted a goal I really wanted, I wanted a goal I could absolutely reach. I thought about my dreams and goals and how my diabetes would effect me. I found one that in my heart of hearts hurts for me to think about. Someday after collage. career, dream man I want to have a baby. And to be honest I have always wanted a house full, but if all I can take is just one I want it. I want to be a mom one day and forget bucket list this is beyond a dream it is something I have wanted since I was a little girl. I want to celebrate mothers day with cards made by hand I want to go broke buying them Christmas gift. This something many women find that they can't have and I hate that at the age of 17 I have to think about but that is part of  a WWD (Women with diabetes) issue. I want to be a mom and of all my dreams this is the one that my diabetes will affect the most.
2. Find Inspiration. This one applies to overcoming burn out and being in charge of your diabetes. I love to read blogs about other diabetics read books on caring for my diabetes. This is the big part of burn out is learning other ways to care for yourself maybe it is a new kind of exercise or a positive word from some one who has gone through it already. My favorite blog is Kerri Morrone Six until Me. It really keeps my head in the game and lets me relate to other and I also enjoy reading about her very successful pregnancy of a gorgeous little girl. She also does a lot of stuff like traveling that I hate doing with my "D". Go and find something but for me reading about what could happen (as in the bad stuff) doesn't help me at all.
3. Talk it out. I do this but I do it in my head. All the things I wanted to say to people would probably just make them hate me. But I do talk about it in my head and I often find what it is that is holding me back. I know I might sound crazy but I never talk back to myself so I must be okay. Talking to my parents about the issues never helped and I could never get my point across so I would write down my problem and think it through. 
4. Try your best. Even if you don't feel like it ( A.K.A burn-out) for one day try to do your very best at controlling your blood sugars and insulin injections on your own. Do it and if it isn't that great try it again the next day. If you forget to check at one meal then try again at the next. It is a step by step thing getting back on track, it can't all happen at once.
5. Remember. Your goal is to be healthy and to live long and happy. Maybe your A1c is going to be high so go ahead and decide how you will handle it; with tears or willingness to discuss with your endo about how you have a new mind set. Remember they want to help you but they can't tell that you have changed your mindset by look at you current A1c of 9.1 if you tell them your new plan and actions you have already started on they will most likely be positive with especially  when your next A1c is 6.3!

This takes something for everyone, rather it takes a scare or a sudden awakening but for me it took the reliation that I don't want my parents to have to hover over me forever always wondering if I'm dead from a hypo comma or ketonic over a constant 500 and no lantus I forgot for four days in a row. Nobody wants to have the burden of everyone worrying about them; it is  very hard to think you are the reason your mother has ulcers or you dad can't sleep at night because he thinks you might not wake up in the morning.

You are in charge of you. In the end it is up to you you decide how your diabetes is going to effect you.