Looking Back: Overcoming, starting over. (1\24\14)

 This is a look back to a post I wrote January of this year. I know its been over a year since I have posted anything but here is to those occasional really good things I wrote and I look back and reflect and can continue to move forward.

Let me get real with you, diabetes has affected my relationship with food in a negative way. I read the Butter Compartments blog this week and I cried. I related to it in such a way that my normal biased view and ability to stand at a distance went out the door and it sucked me in and stirred the reality that I was truly in denial of; I had to do something  and despite my ability to do “good” I fail and my humanness to control my diabetes is inevitably killing me. Because not only do I purge my food but I avoid checking my sugar to see the after effects because of the hurting reminder that I am a failure.

Once again I am alone in my apartment and there is no one here to tell me what to eat or not to eat, monitor if I even ate yesterday or ask why I have only eaten yogurt or see me go for my third snack this afternoon. There is so much guilt associated with starving yourself, binging and purging and just avoiding taking care of yourself.

Diabetes alone bring so much guilt, shame, and a constant need to micromanage, food is constantly on my mind,

 “when am I going to eat next, should I reduce my basal for that, what am I going eat, should I pre-bolus now or wait a while or will I even eat it all so I might over bolus and the I‘ll end up low and I hate more that anything to be low.”

Then after all this thinking I still forget to check my sugar, I forget because I get rapped up in the food experience, the smells, taste, euphoria that nothing enters my mind, its is my drug. It’s not like a normal drug either because you can’t simply not eat because I’ve done that in the past.

And please don’t mention the fact that I should stop eating that I’ve had enough because I’ll only eat more to prove I CAN eat more. Or point out that I need to eat because I will continue to not do so to prove to you (or maybe myself) that I am fine. But I’m not fine, I am a broken eating machine, I am human and I have struggles.

The point of this blog isn’t to prove to anyone or show anyone that I have the perfect a1c or that I always do the best things concerning my healthy, or how much I love exercising (because I don’t, being healthy is the hardest thing ever) this is the raw imperfect me and sharing my struggles is what helps me fix them.  If you take my advice don’t do what I do.

My wish is that I don’t die as a bad example of diabetics I always hate to hear about them, you know, the ones who died from diabetes, I feel sorry for them most of all it doesn’t really help me. What does help me is the verse above, in my flesh I am a weak person unable to do the things I must do, instead I trust God and what he says about me, that He is a God of second chances and I am his daughter

Contemplation...

      I am currently contemplating my diet. I do not eat a super unhealthy diet I usually have a salad several times a week and sometimes as a meal, I indulge occasionally on oreos, ice cream, sour worms and french fries, and chocolate. I rarely eat red meat maybe a few times a month but I eat tons of chicken. I like it fried, I like it covered in breading and I love it fattening. I also love to do juicing with vegetables, eating fresh, organic, and sometimes tasteless crap to make myself feel good. I teeter totter on my diet sometimes it is all crap and sometimes it ain't. I am driven to feel better but so much of how I feel is based on how well I take care of myself with this diabetes crap.

      I have how ever been thinking that the paleo diet seems to be a very good lifestyle and might be trying my hand at it but I am having trouble making a final decision on it.

    Should I dip my toes in or jump for it? I am looking for any info on it especially in the diabetes area of it, such as how it affects your blood sugars, insulin sensitivity, insulin intake, and do you know any yummy recipes since I love to cook.

I am also currently recovering from gallbladder surgery, I had surgery on the 6th of march and boy recovery has done a number on the BG'S but I am not worried it is incredibly stressful on my body.

        So any advice about the paleo diet ?

I Have Writers Block

Oh writer block, what should I do. Late lacking of inspiration and a good idea I have been absolutely clueless as to what to write. What do you readers like to read about. I have been thinking about adding some recipes but mine probably won't be that diabetic friendly. Pavlova sounds good, bratwaurst on a potato bun, homade parmeasean french fries... I could definately step out of the box with some undiabetic friendly meals. Or I could go down and add some hobbies to teh blog or even do some guest blogging, this blog needs some freshening up, don't you think?

Why I started this Blog

    

      I love to write, well I love to write about stuff I choose to (cough, cough, I hate A.P. English, sorry Mrs. Simmons). I also feel connect in some mystical way to all of the diabetics out there feeling the same crap I do. People who understand the deep, the hard to understand, and the sincere need to live a long life just to prove you did. It is a lot to carry and I do not know personally someone with type one diabetes. I do know someone at my church and there are I think four students at my high school but I don't really know them.

        I have tried to write other blogs before one on my favorite hobby but soon I lost the fire, lost the creativity and didn't feel fulfilled the way I felt like blogging should. So a long story short I deleted it and started this one. I look back to my first posts and see how far I have come in such a short time. I am not saying I'm a great blogger or even a good one but this is how I have learned to cope with my disease.
       At first that is what this blog was for; coping, but now I do it because I utterly enjoy it. I doesn't consume my life but I love to do it. I only spend about thirty minutes to write one blog and sometimes just five or ten minutes. This blog helps me meld my life and diabetes with a tiny bit  and that is why I blog. I don't do it for the page views, or the stats, I do it for the people I hopefully reach to share with them they are not alone because you really aren't.

What's Up!!!!

   How is it going? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Well for me it as been crazy But I love spring and love the beautiful warm weather we have been having here in the south. I love sitting on the porch doing homework, laying out in the sun. or doing some photography.
   In a little less than a month is my birthday and I'm so excited about getting my liscenes. Yes I am going to be seventeen (not sixteen, I wait a whole year to get my learners crazy right.) and can not wait to dig into birthday cake and get tons of cards in the mail, this is my most favorite part. I am very happy that my doctor got me on track with my sugars before I hop onto the road solo. I feel far more confident knowing I won't go crazy on the road and hurt someone because of my blood sugar.
  Would you mind sharing some experiences and advice for a new Diabetic Driver.
                                                                                                    - Sarah