Contemplation...

      I am currently contemplating my diet. I do not eat a super unhealthy diet I usually have a salad several times a week and sometimes as a meal, I indulge occasionally on oreos, ice cream, sour worms and french fries, and chocolate. I rarely eat red meat maybe a few times a month but I eat tons of chicken. I like it fried, I like it covered in breading and I love it fattening. I also love to do juicing with vegetables, eating fresh, organic, and sometimes tasteless crap to make myself feel good. I teeter totter on my diet sometimes it is all crap and sometimes it ain't. I am driven to feel better but so much of how I feel is based on how well I take care of myself with this diabetes crap.

      I have how ever been thinking that the paleo diet seems to be a very good lifestyle and might be trying my hand at it but I am having trouble making a final decision on it.

    Should I dip my toes in or jump for it? I am looking for any info on it especially in the diabetes area of it, such as how it affects your blood sugars, insulin sensitivity, insulin intake, and do you know any yummy recipes since I love to cook.

I am also currently recovering from gallbladder surgery, I had surgery on the 6th of march and boy recovery has done a number on the BG'S but I am not worried it is incredibly stressful on my body.

        So any advice about the paleo diet ?

This silly Game... Diabetes

       I love Zumba. I recently decided to do Zumba from time to time with a friend for a few things one it is really fun to do with other people and two I need to exercise, BAD! I have been reading a lot about how exercise will increase your insulin sensitivity and boy do I need that. I have been on a 1:5 ratio for over a year now and believe me that is a ton of insulin. I average about 15 units of Apidra per meal most often more (I like white carbs). Plus I am terribly out of shape and I need to exercise,the stress of school and diabetes can really pull you down or even the stress of life.
       Today me and my friend Heather decided this morning that after school we would boogie it out with Zumba. She came home with me today to do Zumba and we did. Of course being the good little diabetic I am, decided to actually check before I worked out but I was a little low for exercise (95). So I at one sheet of graham crackers and worked it for thirty minutes after words I checked again and low and behold I sat nicely at 92. WHOOP-WHOOP I was not a diabetic for about thirty minutes of my life and I loved it for once I could feel the same as everyone else did. I was bubbling with energy and sass for the others in the household and I new for once  had done it, I won. This disease absorbs so much of me, my time, my energy, and just plain me. I felt great and it has been a long time since I won at diabetes so take that. Diabetes and me have been at this for a long time and I won't even say the classic Me: 1 Diabetes: 0 line because that simply isn't the case diabetes and me is more like Me :1 Diabetes: 10,000 But I did it once and I will do it again besides this game ain't over till I say so:
     " Hey  'Betes I see you there I ain't hidin' but I keep tryin', if you think you'll win you are sorely mistaken I ain't goin down, not me, not now."

not sure where I got this it is not mine :)

Good-bye Dexcom I miss you

Woo what an eventful week it has been, as will the next one but I do have some exciting news. I was accepted to go to a diabetics retreat weekend for teen girl this November. I was so excited and I can't wait till I get to meet actual diabetics! I know that sounds ridiculous but I never get to talk to girls my age with diabetes, really I never talk to anyone.  To be quite honest whenever I do talk with someone about diabetes (they usually don't have it) there perspective is off a little and I end up lying and saying I understand and I get it when I want to run from the situation to beat the crap out of something.
     So anywho the reason this week has been incredible is because I got to use a dexcom for a whole week! I loved every moment of it, I was really quite scared I wouldn't like it  or it would annoy me but it didn't, every alert for a high and low was a welcome relief and really helped me keep more on track because I knew that if I didn't take my insulin Dexie would go off  and comforting because it went off at 80 instead of me waiting on a low 60 to feel it.I loved watching the screen to see where my last sugar was and enjoyed the few times I had a consistent blood sugar for a long time. I loved seeing the dots float perfectly between the lines. I enjoy you Dex and I wish you were really mine. It would have been nice to have it this week during midterms but since I used all my time with you the week before I guess I will keep on dreaming because my insurance doesn't cover one :(
    I would have to pay out of pocket for one and the woman who put my sensor in said she wasn't sure but thought that they cost around 1000 to 1200 dollars. WHAT! Really I wasn't shocked but upset that at this moment I can't get one, but a pump and a CGM are on my wishlist  before I start college. And FYI to those of you who don't know I do MDI (multiple daily injections).
    Do you ever catch your self using abbreviations for those super long words: D.K.A., C.G.M., M.D.I., B.G., C.D.D., the list goes on but my most favorite is S.W.AG. ( Scientific Wild Ass Guessing) doesn't that just make you smile.

When I walked up to my lunch table today I saw this... it is a little fuzzy but that is a test strip. What a lovely dead strip. I decided to leave it there and see if it is still there before I leave forever when I graduate in May. It makes me smile I don't know why.....
      Have a terrific week, this week have a college visit and go to Monday back to my doctor to review my sketchy week on the Dexcom. Fingers crossed.

                                 The last twenty-four hours with Dexie, not exactly impressive.

Reasons Control sucks

the little things.

  I have been trying really hard to get in more control since I recently went to see a G.I. doctor a few weeks ago, but it never leaves my mind. It drives me crazy whenever I lay down at night I think about whether or not I checked a minimum of four times a day and if I didn't I swear to myself I won't forget again. I struggle with the on going thought in my mind like a farris wheel: did you check, did you shoot, are you high. are you, low. is this hunger or am I low do I have a legit reason to be pissed or am I high. How many carbs were in that larabar package I  threw away. I often wonder about my future what will this do to me, will it be the reason I can do nothing or that I do everything.  So even though my control at this point is not terrific it is better than it has been but it is driving my crazy but I hope it doesn't drive me to burnout again.                                                                                                  

Lovely Numbers

What is a lovely number? What number has magical power to you? To me it is 104 a perfect number which means I am good. I am free to not worry about my body or how I feel, in fact I don't feel I just am, I'm happy. This is a photo of me from 2007 if you look you can see my pump in a ell phone ase on my pants. During this time I had a a Cozmo and I still miss that thing and I still have it, besides how throws away a couple of thousands dollar pump :o)

Lower A1c and a warning

I have really been missing my pump lately. I know it was my decision over a year ago to go off the pump but now I am ready for my pump-cation to be over. Last week I had my endo appointment  and I was not looking forward to it. I mean that those doctors are scary and I feel like I'm just going to be told that I am doing it wrong, I really cannot be the only one who thinks that. Well I was right they did tell me everything I was doing wrong they told me I wasn't checking enough, I had high blood pressure myA1c was down a little and no pump fo me. As much as I wanted to I knew they were right. I am scared of whats to come. I will let you know about my yearly tests soon.
 By the way my A1c was brought down from 12.9 to11.5 whoop whoop!

4 steps to managing your diabetes

I feel awesome! I love this I feel my body being in perfect harmony with the rest of my life lately I have been having terrific sugars. I can tell, I have energy in the afternoon, I have learned my limits and where it is okay to push a little farther. I can't help but feel pretty awesome about myself. For once in my diabetes I am the one in control; no pump, cgms, or loads of sugary chalk or high insulin doses. I am so happy I am where I am for once I am in control. I love it I could go on and on and I did it by realizing I don't have to do my diabetes perfect. Have you ever been there where you realized that perfection means burnout and the worst management also means burnout and when you hit it in the middle you are just absolutely content. Not to say I am in perfect control because I am far from it but I am far from where I was at the beginning of summer. I  do regret the times I have done less than just a shot of lantus and the occasional weekly check but I can't change what I did or how I treated myself but Thats what this thing called life is all about learning from our mistakes. I might not be able to reverse any of the effects it had on my body but I can prevent future damages. Here are a few tips to better control without burnout.:
1. Take your insulin: I used to when I would be on a high for taking care of the 'betes I could do it for a few days then burnout and all the work would go to waste. I have found if I take care things one at a time I can grasp it better. This morning for example I calculated my carbs checked my sugar did a shot and forgot about it. I didn't dwell on it or over think it because once that insulin and food is in your body there is little else you can do.
2. Log it: I hate hate hate logging my blood sugars but if I do it once a day as part of my routine like part of doing the dishes is logging your blood sugars you are on your way to establishing a good habit. Plus logging your sugars keeps you accountable to youself and you can see where it is you need to make changes to.
3.Check it out: Check your blood sugars a minimum of four times a day, make it a goal to check your blood sugars four times a day. You should check before every meal and before you go to bed, I do a quick check before I even roll out of bed in the morning and before I lay down in bed at night (literally I won't sit down). Of course if you exercise everyday you should also check before and after and when ever your body feels off.
4.Exercise: Believe me I am a teenager and I love to just sit around watch law and order eat pizza facebook and hangout with friends buit since making myself workout and break a sweat everyday has done wonders for my mood, sugars, and insulin resistence I love to do it because it also brings my sugars down. I don't always check before I exercise but I always do after then again thirty minutes after. It ahs really helped me feel a lot better.
Those are the basics I hope these help so let me know have an awesome week. 

My Endo Appiontment

So  on Wednesday I had a doctors appointment in Atlanta. I knew my sugars hadn't exactly won the best Readings Award, but hey I wrote them all down honest to God.
   Some I had missed some were pure neglect and others were ehhhh. I was nervous and shaky worried out of my mind about what the endo would say. I love my team of really amazing doctors. They always help keep the lectures at bay and help me with my silly pointless problems. They get it and I am not all that sure why.
   First there is Dr. Baldwin, she is very nice and funny but extremely helpful and professional. When she says so I trust her. Next is Stephanie, I adore Stephanie she is smart, young and pretty and she always encourages me and never scolds my horrible sugar sheets but helps me figure out where I went wrong. Susan is my dietitian and she is amazing and incredibly knowledgeable of diabetes. At my last appointment she told me to call her aunt Susan. Pretty neat team along with some terrific nurses.  I really wanted to see Stephanie this time around but I didn't get to, I saw a new dietitian, one I had never met but had worked there for ten years.
   I wanted to discuss CGM'S (continues glucose monitors) she didn't know anything about them. I want to discuss  my licence and she completely through me under the bus and told my mom with my A1c she would not recommend it and I lost it I bursted into tears. I sobbed like I just saw my puppy get ran over by a semi-truck. I think I freaked the poor woman out because she jumped up and left the room. My mom hugged my neck while I sobbed for a few seconds and told me I made her cry too. I was pissed, pissed at the world, pissed at myself. I wanted more than anything to be independent; to be able to drive myself to school on August sixth. Why couldn't I push myself to be the best, the best at my disease and my body, do what I have to and reach that seemingly unattainable goal. People make it sound so easy like it is as simple as a shot and finger prick when in fact it is the skill of balancing out your body in so many ways you can't imagine. People often lack understanding of our invisible disease....
   " Oh you want to eat that slice of Ice cream cake? Go ahead but nothing you can do will keep your blood sugars from being through the roof in an hour." (my body)
   " You have diabetes? My grandma does to, but you don't look fat?"
   " My mom has to take medication for that too, she hates taking those pills. Do you hate taking the pills."
   " At least all you have to do is take a pill to fix it."
   " You at least have a cure, since you have insulin."
   " Oh I hate shots, I could never do it, I don't know how you do that."
I want to be someone inspirational. I want to change what people think of diabetes. I want to be able to drive. Is that to much to ask?

   Something as simple as a driving test is simply impossible to achieve because I am just not good enough. I know I am not alone with the whole teen driving thing and I do not have the only disease that keeps me from driving ( epilepsy too) but please, please let me drive.
   In the end that is it it isn't that the new dietitian said I couldn't get my liscence, she simply said she didn't recommend I get behind the wheel of the car and drive ( I technically still could go and get mine) it was the fact she pointed out that I have failed at my disease and this is one of the first of many complications that come with my disease. She encouraged me (they seem to always) to try harder at management and to try to find a solution that works. So point closing, she is not the first person at that office to make me cry, I have been trying as of late to really work on my sugar control, and I miss having a diabetes person that I can relate too. I also have a job to earn money for that car.

Bring it on: Taking on your diabetes care

     This was a point in my life that at the moment I am just figuring out. I have always had my parents full support even though sometime without understanding of living with diabetes. My mom carried my checker bag extra syringes and did my pump site well till I was fourteen because I couldn't make myself do it. I've always tried to be independent with my care and learned as much as I could about my disease as possible. But I never really wanted to do it alone. I always have been scared of not having someone to lean on and to help me figure it out. Of course we all must grow up at sometime and I guess for some it is earlier and others it is later. I figure mine is later; recently I have come out of a very long burn out. he hardest thing for me was dealing with my family, but mostly my parents. My siblings didn't really care but my parents have really pushed me to be independent with my diabetes since day one. They still counted my carbs, thy would draw up my insulin, keep up with supplies, inject insulin when I didn't want to, and talked to the doctor and they decide my care and treatments.
    Of course I was fine with this because I really could care less. My A1c has slowly risen farther up since I was diagnosed and of all things in the world I hate the feeling of being out of control. I like knowing I have some control over the big things. I was tired of having to do it and doing it right just because I had to. I hated it I just wanted it to go away (I still do). So I have slowly come up with ways to over come my burn out and take on control for myself; not my doctors or my parents.

1. Set a goal. Yea yea, you know this one but coming from a person who has struggled with burn out for close to two years I have to say this one was the hardest for me. I wanted a realistic goal, I wanted a goal I really wanted, I wanted a goal I could absolutely reach. I thought about my dreams and goals and how my diabetes would effect me. I found one that in my heart of hearts hurts for me to think about. Someday after collage. career, dream man I want to have a baby. And to be honest I have always wanted a house full, but if all I can take is just one I want it. I want to be a mom one day and forget bucket list this is beyond a dream it is something I have wanted since I was a little girl. I want to celebrate mothers day with cards made by hand I want to go broke buying them Christmas gift. This something many women find that they can't have and I hate that at the age of 17 I have to think about but that is part of  a WWD (Women with diabetes) issue. I want to be a mom and of all my dreams this is the one that my diabetes will affect the most.
2. Find Inspiration. This one applies to overcoming burn out and being in charge of your diabetes. I love to read blogs about other diabetics read books on caring for my diabetes. This is the big part of burn out is learning other ways to care for yourself maybe it is a new kind of exercise or a positive word from some one who has gone through it already. My favorite blog is Kerri Morrone Six until Me. It really keeps my head in the game and lets me relate to other and I also enjoy reading about her very successful pregnancy of a gorgeous little girl. She also does a lot of stuff like traveling that I hate doing with my "D". Go and find something but for me reading about what could happen (as in the bad stuff) doesn't help me at all.
3. Talk it out. I do this but I do it in my head. All the things I wanted to say to people would probably just make them hate me. But I do talk about it in my head and I often find what it is that is holding me back. I know I might sound crazy but I never talk back to myself so I must be okay. Talking to my parents about the issues never helped and I could never get my point across so I would write down my problem and think it through. 
4. Try your best. Even if you don't feel like it ( A.K.A burn-out) for one day try to do your very best at controlling your blood sugars and insulin injections on your own. Do it and if it isn't that great try it again the next day. If you forget to check at one meal then try again at the next. It is a step by step thing getting back on track, it can't all happen at once.
5. Remember. Your goal is to be healthy and to live long and happy. Maybe your A1c is going to be high so go ahead and decide how you will handle it; with tears or willingness to discuss with your endo about how you have a new mind set. Remember they want to help you but they can't tell that you have changed your mindset by look at you current A1c of 9.1 if you tell them your new plan and actions you have already started on they will most likely be positive with especially  when your next A1c is 6.3!

This takes something for everyone, rather it takes a scare or a sudden awakening but for me it took the reliation that I don't want my parents to have to hover over me forever always wondering if I'm dead from a hypo comma or ketonic over a constant 500 and no lantus I forgot for four days in a row. Nobody wants to have the burden of everyone worrying about them; it is  very hard to think you are the reason your mother has ulcers or you dad can't sleep at night because he thinks you might not wake up in the morning.

You are in charge of you. In the end it is up to you you decide how your diabetes is going to effect you.

Summer schelules and High Blood sugars

      I honestly love summer. I love the feeling of the heat wrapping around your body even though your insides feel nice and cool. I love to swim, I swim till I'm low and then don't check enough, eat to much and go high and figure the physical activity will bring it down (wrong by the way!) I like the beach, drives to the mountians, sunday shopping trips, and coffee with friends that school nearly removes from my schedule. And now I work so I sit at a desk for nine hours a day removing my freedom of exercise from my daily life because it wipes me out to be lazy.
     Today though I have definately had a rollercoaster day. In terms of blood sugar readings I mean; I woke up with a 61 m/dL and ate myself some club crackers my mom broughT to me while I frantically ran around the house looking for my ipod. My mom kept telling me not to get up and that she would bring me something to eat. Every word she said to me made me mad, I really wanted to sleep a few extra minutes then she left to get ready for work and as soon as she left I zonked out and fell back asleep for another eight minutes. That would be my individual symptom because I have never heard anyone tell me that as a symptom: that high or low, when my sugar begins to adjust I get very tired like I cannot keep my eyes open tired. So when I woke up I pulled on a dress and shoes. pulled my hair out of the bun I slept in and ran my fingers through and put on make up. That really only took me fifteen minutes (I love that) but then I felt a sweep of hunger, like I will eat your pet dog zombie hunger. I grabbed a handfull of cheez-its and the jello cup, which has no carbs even though that was what I was on the hunt for. The jumbo peanut butter jar stared at my face screaming at me; EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I grabbed a spoon and ate it till I felt my throat begginning to stick  from the gunky gobs of yumminess. After that I felt suddenly better, almost a calm sense over came me and I knew I wouldn't be going into a comma today or at least a low comma.
     So I fixed me a to go cup of cream with a little coffee and packed my bookbag grabbed my summer reading, purse, extra syringes, checker bag and left for work. I felt great and carried on my marry way till my religous 10:30 2 hrs after breakfast sugar. Even though breakfast was 2 hrs earlier today than usual. And to my shock My blood sugar read a shiny bright 495 at my face  laughing  saying YOU ATE IT ALL! YOU ATE IT ALL! Inside my stomach sank, I did it again I failed. I've put my body one more high closer to kidney failure. You didn't think, you didn't correct for over correcting, you messed up and now you are going to pay with a bout of naseua, head aches, and sleepiness. Your mother is going to see this and yell and get mad and ask you " why didn't you JUST eat 15 carbs, thats all you need, self control Sarah!"
And to be honest it hurts when my mom tells me that. She doesn't understand what it is like to be in a state of confusion, fear, cottonhead, crying without a true meaningful cause.
      That is one thing that truely kills me about this disease the lack of understanding from my mother and occasionally my dad.I checked it again 30 mins after 11 u. of insulin and down to 365. wheew thats a relief but i predict a bottoming low around 50 by 12:30. I can still see her face; how it will look when she reads the numbers but maybe it will bottom out and stick there all day so she will see I tried and didn't let it stick there or let it continue to go up, but stuck with my lows for the sake of my A1c.
     So 30 minutes later I check again 269 heeeelllllooooooooo! that was a drop this is unusual for me my sugars love the 300's. I'm douncing water to get rid of any ketones if I have any, since I don't carry those darn things with me ever. My new schedule I devised yesterday says  I will eat at 12:30 and check at 12:30 and take insulin at 12:30 that is my predicted time for that super low.I would really prefer my day to me an inflatable slide. You know starts at the ground (61) then you go straight up (495) and come down ( 365, 269,) and continues to go down and stays at a perfect 130 mg/dL. That would be better than a roller coaster.
     So again at 12:06 i checked again 244 " dang"  only 25 in the past thirty minutes when I was push down hundreds for the past two hours. maybe it is my body leveling out well thats good as long as there are no more peeking I'm good but now I'm hungry but that will wait another thirty maybe it can come down another hundred in thirty minutes. At 12:25 I check again to make sure that it continue to drop steadily; 204. About to jump out of seat but decide not to. I would really like to go and jog but I don't think that will happen here at the office. So I throw my carefully devised schedule out the window and decide to push everything up thirty minutes today (my lucky number) and eat lunch when my sugar is below 150 mg/dL but I prefer a 120 mg/dL. With every bout of hunger I sip more water somehow that is supposed to help. I've never really tried maybe it will replace all the glucose in my cells with H2O causing me to be nice and steady for the rest of the day. Huh. My tummie rumbles but I can go without food, I want to feel good in one hour not sick all day, GET A GRIP! My chart on sugar stats show my hard work and I will predict my next one to be 130! I hope.
     Lunch rolls around about 12:50 and with hope and prayer and insulin on my side i do the dreaded  check. I go to the bathroom first and wash my hands and do i scrub 'em. I slide the dinosaur huge test strip into my meter and pick the cleanest finger avalable to prick (left pinky) I squeeze up a water and almost clear blood sample. It qickly runs down my finger but I chase it back with the meter like a bulldozer chasing a car. I wait the long five seconds when a number that is also my goal wieght shines brightly at me smiling, no longer taunting me but saying Good job Sarah you did it you didn't fail you succeeded. It felt as though it might but it didn't now eat your lunch and enjoy it but first bolus.
    Sometimes that all we need to hear. A quiet praise,  no party but maybe a word to confirm that yea you felt like crap, you checked seven extra times, religeously washed your hands and didn't eat anything for seven hours and focused on you and your health. You did it for this day and this day alone you were the superhero you won the fight and became that much better at you. Why can't people understand how huge this is for me, notice that I did it on my own and I had the same rush of going down a inflatable slide you get as a child bounccing down the big hill of fun. I deserve to where a cape today that is hot pink and says superhero on the back and everyone asks "what makes you a superhero?" and I would say "Today I won the fight of diabetes today, what did you do?"
     The moral of this story is when life give you a high blood sugar take insulin and watch it come down and celebrate and make sure you let people know you did it! You won! You are amazing! And you are a superhero!

My A1c problem

   Okay confession time! For the past severaly years my A1c has slowly crept up to the 13.0's. I know I could even hear you gasps through cyberspace. But really I feel so burnt out right know and even though it is my upmost desire to be in full control but something holds me back something keeps me from it.
   It like in my head I feel like a person who has it down but everyone else sees the rebeelion I really don't have. I want control I want healthy, I want fear of infertility, kidney failure, heart damage, and death to go away but I feel lost.
   Do you ever feel burned out?

My diabetes control, is that an oxymoron?

     I love how I feel when my blood sugar is in range. I love how much I can do when my body is in perfect glucose range. But it is one big time consuming deal, I feel it is always on my mind and I never seem to be able to forget about it and if I ever do some one is there to remind me that I have a disease. Sometimes I want a bag of MnM's from the vending machine, sometimes I get a little thirsty, running an extra mile won't hurt me, and yes I DID  TAKE MY INSULIN!. After everything is said and done I am who I am and though my life is literally consumed by this seemingly large cloud I smile because it isn't cancer, I laugh because I can walk, and love because someday there will be a cure. Right now I sit here thinking how nice it would be to have a snack but I refrain because I don't really want to take a shot. In the end i will find a meduim we all are happy with, a way to make sure I don't die or live to uptight about it all.
     Last Friday I went to my endocrinologist. And if when you saw those words in your head you went du-du-duuuu, so did I. I never really look forward to those visits because for the past five years I have not had the est A1c's. My highest ever was 13.4 and my most recent was 12.9. I was really happy to see it come down but not happy where it was. I want to some day have children, and not die from kidney failure or suffer with nerve damage. These have really been on my mind lately so I decided to cut the crap and just do what I need to do.
      So far my whole body hates me for going from an almost always high to a almost constant low of around 40. I have gained ten pounds ( side affect of going from no insulin to constant) and all my teachers are worried because two to three times everday I turn pale white stubble out of the room to the nurses office and come back thirty minutes later. I f I thought I could hide it I was dead wrong, everyone in school knows now. My math teacher made a big scene in class when she asked me what my blod sugar was and I told her It was forty one she flipped out then treated like I didn't now what to do even though I ad taken tablets she still made me go to the nurses office where I dozed for about an hour. Turns out my sugar only got up to 79 around dinner time I guess she was right.
    I eat a whole lot of jello and peanut butter these days but someday I will thank myself..........I hope.